I never thought that someday I would dare to transfer a swarm of my thoughts, emotions and experiences to paper. Yes, yes, not in the ears of friends, but on public display.
I’m really scared, it’s always scary to open. Well, what if my thoughts out loud, my reasoning, my knowledge in a particular area come in handy for someone. After all, getting into another story I personally always want to read not the advice of a psychologist, but the story of a person who went through the same thing as I ...
Usually, friends are the listener, I have plenty of them for every taste and color. But not all and not always need to be put on their fragile shoulders. Therefore, I decided that now I will become the best friend. I will not condemn, groan, give advice, I will just write about what I go through or once went through, what I felt and how I was able to cope with it.
I have no prepared topics or script. The best screenwriter is life itself, well, a strong and all-consuming desire for certain events. I will just describe my life and my friends and relatives.
Once, a long time ago, sitting in my kitchen and eating another obsession of cake with my obsessive thoughts and being overweight, I dreamed of becoming someone very important and significant. I wanted to become a doctor, because they are all afraid and respected. Then she wanted to become a stewardess, dreaming of daily flights and romance with handsome pilots. For some reason, it always seemed to me that pilots should all be handsome. Entering the plane and hearing the phrase: "The ship commander welcomes you ...." I still have goosebumps.
But in the end, I settled at home in the next decrees exhausting my psyche ... My significance slowly disappeared into the desire to become the best wife. I drew her image for myself and tried my best to match it. But the ideal wife must certainly have the perfect husband, otherwise it’s just not interesting. Just a good man is not enough, he must be perfect, be sure to earn a lot and immediately. He should have no less than ideal parents, but also all relatives, no uneducated and near-minded people, in principle, can have pink unicorns in my world. Oh yes, such a gorgeous wife like me should not have simple relatives. And after several years and unsuccessful attempts to shove all my relatives and friends from my ideal world, I realized that I had lost.
I reconciled and went out, but after burning, as usual, for about 30 minutes, I decided to become an ideal mother. She immediately began to study books and articles about the light of motherhood, about proper nutrition, the right days of conception. Fortunately, we were young and the onset of pregnancy did not make us wait long. I ate right, went for a walk with my mother ...
In general, the presence of my mother in my life did not allow friends in principle. In the absence of her personal life, she took up all the space around me, trying to squeeze out even her unworthy princess husband! I tried to resist this influence, but it was difficult. And even now, after many years, I just can’t forgive inwardly this obsession and arrogance of hers.
When our first-born was born, it was very interesting on the one hand, as if they brought a new toy from the children's world, and on the other hand it was insanely painful. And here the point is not even lack of sleep, but total control and endless recommendations on how to live. Soon, I began to wonder, is such a scheme of relations between different generations always and everywhere? Or maybe I'm too open and naive? Or maybe this is the notorious co-dependence formed in deep childhood?
All this and much more will be discussed in this column ...
